Do you have teenagers? I do… 2 ½ of them. They are incredible, but they have shaken my world. Let me explain…
When I was a little girl, I used to play “house” for hours. My father made me a little wooden kitchen set and couch that kept my imagination busy. I pretended I was the mommy and played with my little kids all the time, reading books, baking cookies, coloring, playing games, and teaching them. I was convinced that I was going to be the best mommy ever and we were going to have so much fun.
That wonderful time in life came when all my children were young (between the ages of 2-12). I discovered it wasn’t always as wonderful as I thought it would be (you can read about that here), but for the most part, it was how I imagined it would be. My days were filled with teaching ABC’s and 123’s. We baked together often and watched movies as a family, everyone participating and excited to be there. It was wonderful!
Then my oldest became 14 years old, and things started to shift. He didn’t want to watch “that” movie. He wanted to work on a project in his room rather than join us. When my other kids were playing together he was trying to find a friend to “hang out” with. He didn’t want to be read to, like the rest of the kids, and he stopped cuddling as much. He was so busy with school activities, there were some nights we didn’t see him till 9:00 pm. I missed him.
I wasn’t sure how to handle this new situation and I struggle with
- Oh no, he’s distancing himself from the family.
- Is something wrong? Can I help?
- I should make him join us.
- I miss being a part of his life.
- We should hang out with family all the time.
- Why is he not interested in being with us anymore?
At the same time, I was excited about the fun things going on in his life and the success he was having at school and with his activities. He was happy and thriving. I was happy for him, but…
I felt a little empty…my baby grew up. I knew he would, but I hadn’t imagined what it would be like to be a mother of a teenager when I was young and I was unprepared for it.
It was time to redefine my idea of motherhood, for a teenager. “What does my role as
- Be supportive (of his dreams not mine), appreciative (of what he does do), and encouraging (even if I had no idea how to help)
- Be a guide more than a teacher
- Observe him and not judge his actions, he may surprise you.
- Let go and allow him to make decisions, even mistakes (panic), and
- Trust these are the life lesson he was meant to learn right now.
- Still uphold rules and standards
Some of these were hard to get used to. I had been such a part of his life, helping to shape and mold him into a good human being. It wasn’t easy to let go and let him take the reigns; watch him make decisions and even mistakes. Yet it was rewarding to see him make good decisions and correct his mistakes. I had to learn to watch and listen more instead of teach. It felt a bit like a roller coaster ride (it still does).
It seems I am constantly watching my thoughts ride this roller
Now I have two and a half teenagers. Their personalities are quite different, but even they enjoy more time alone doing their own things, hanging out with friends more, and being a part of after-school activities.
Our family activities include only half of us many times. I still read books at night, but not as often, because everyone reads their own book. Our lives are busier, so it seems, but really the type of business has just changed. I spend time with my kids by chauffeuring them to activities instead of cooking with them. We have to make time for family time, instead of every night being family time.
My definition of motherhood is always changing now as my kids keep growing out of my ‘ideal’ motherhood vision. Some of the things I like better (like not being on constant demand) and some of the things I miss (like all the family time and evening snuggles).
So, you mom’s out there who are struggling with this … you are not alone!
What has helped me during this transition, is learning how to coach my brain through the torrent of thoughts and emotions motherhood brings. Because of it, I am the mom I want to be…for my little boys and my teenagers. I show up being who I want to be and who they need me to be. I feel connected to my children, even when we aren’t together
Being able to manage the thoughts and emotions inside of you is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and your children. I promise it is well worth your time and effort!
If you are interested in being a better mom and having more rewarding relationships with your children – sign up for a FREE 15 minute mini session here. And as always, have a wonderful day my friend!
