My husband likes to listen to country music while fixing dinner. Usually good old songs from our early dating days. I walked into the kitchen to get something and started to sing along very heartfelt and suddenly stopped…
I listened to the words more carefully and started to laugh. Drama!! This whole song was about creating drama in the relationship. It was all about trying to change the other person so that they could be happy. Here are the words…
When I don’t know what to say
Don’t know what to do
Don’t know if it really even matters to you
How can I make you see
It matters to me
-Faith Hill “It Matters to Me”
I turned to my husband and said, “This is not a helpful song.” He started laughing and agreed with me. Wow, our relationship has come a long way.
I used to think this was such a great, heartfelt song. When I think things should matter to my husband and try to make him see (my way), how things matter to me…it doesn’t work out. Because he doesn’t think like I do. He doesn’t see things the way I do. He views our relationship through the lens of his experiences in life and his personal beliefs. That is the reality of it, and it’s pretty amazing!
When I try to change his mind and get him to view our relationship from my point of view, my experiences and my beliefs–I get frustrated! These are not helpful thoughts!
It’s my responsibility to make me happy, not my husbands. I don’t need to “make him see” anything. I just need to love him just as he is, and love myself just as I am. I serve him, because I love him and I want to, not because I feel obligated to and he does the same for me. He matters to me because he is simply him, just as he is.
I remember when I first realized this. I release him from my story that said, “it’s your job to make me happy and fix things.” When things would go wrong or I was unhappy, he still tried to “make me happy” or “fix it;” because his story said, “I try to make my wife happy and fix things because I have value when I do that.”
I remember telling him, “I’m not happy right now. It’s my job to make me happy not yours. Just love me while I’m being unhappy, you don’t need to do anything else.” He was lost for a while, trying to figure out what gave him value in our relationship. He finally realized that just being him, just as he is, is valuable enough.
Now, we just allow each other to feel whatever emotions we are feeling. We just love and serve each other because we can, not strings attached. Our relationship is simpler now and we both feel so much more love.
We talk about our perspectives and our family, our own views of the world and laugh now. It’s fascinating to see how differently we define things and see the world. I used to try and change his mind and prove that I was right about things and he was wrong. (Laughing) oh, those were frustrating years.
Now, I listen to his ideas and his views. I learn from them and appreciate the insight he has to offer (he has great ideas). I understand him better and love him more for it. I’m so grateful we don’t think alike, it’s so nice to take a break from my limited view of the world and try on new ideas.
The moral of the story: be careful of the media you listen to and watch, and especially what creates your beliefs about what a relationship should look like. Often it sounds so pretty or it paints a beautiful picture of a lie. Remove the expectations of what your relationship should look like and see it as it really is. Accept it and start loving it for what it is now.
Serve each other out of love instead of obligation. Simplify things. You are different on purpose, that is valuable. Meet your own needs of being loved, by learning to love yourself just as you are. Love them for who they are. Listen and understand more. Judge and try to “make them see” less.
It’s worth the effort!
Sharina
If you’re struggling with these new ideas and would like more help, I’ve got you! Sign up for a 15-minute mini session with me here.