Dealing with a defiant or difficult child is challenging. When my daughter was a toddler I struggled daily, often even moment to moment, to raise her. This little girl pushed every button I had and many I didn’t know existed. She was constantly getting in trouble as she explored her limits (and mine). She made messes faster than I could clean them up. She was filled with brilliant ideas, that created chaos and caused more problems, and it all seemed like a game to her.
I was so frustrated and overwhelmed I yelled at her a lot. I put her in time out multiple times a day (the only method I could think of to get her to STOP for just a few minutes), and felt awful for it. I lay in bed at night, crying, feeling so guilty for being such a mean mom, yet not knowing what to do. I was certain, all the yelling and time spent in time-out was sending her the message that she wasn’t good enough and was a bad girl.
I wondered, daily, how I was going to be the mom she needed me to be. Time-out seemed to backfire, only causing more tension between us. Letting her do ‘whatever,’ meant I was constantly picking up the physical messes and messy relationships with her siblings. Trying to control her caused her to fight back and be defiant. Trying to entertain her, in her fast pace world, was exhausting (and I still had 3 other kids to take care of). It was hopeless.
But my heart told me there was a better way, a more kind and loving way. A way that allowed her to be ‘her,’ without me being a crazy mommy! And me to show up being the mom I wanted to be.
So I began searching. I sifted through many parenting blogs and classes for tips and ideas. I tried them out, but none of them seemed to work and they didn’t feel like the answer I was looking for. Desperately, I turned to my scriptures and fell on my knees in pleading prayer. I was certain there would be an answer in the scriptures for my disciplining delima (at least I really hoped there was).
One evening I came across this scripture in D&C 121:43, “Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love.”
Like neon lights flashing in a dark sky, I felt this was the answer I had been looking for. However, this was not the answer I expected. I mean, seriously, after all she put me through each day I was supposed to show her an increase of love!?! And what was the rest of this supposed to mean?
Trusting my Heavenly Father and not my own knowledge (obviously that wasn’t working), I decided I had better learn what this meant. Slowly I began to realize that disciplining isn’t just something you DO to a child or a person, it’s also a feeling.
“Reproving betimes with sharpness,” doesn’t mean, be kind and never raise your voice. It means that sometimes it’s okay to raise your voice, to be firm and uphold boundaries. But there is a feeling, an energy, behind how you do that.
“When moved upon by the Holy Ghost,” gives us an idea of what that feeling should be (because the Holy Ghost usually directs us to do things in kind, patient, charitable ways). Thus, disciplining, should not be out of frustration and anger, but out of love and compassion.
What? Did you know you could raise your voice and be firm with LOVE! Those two ideas contradicted each other in my brain. Wow, this meant that I needed to work on me (not focus on changing her behavior). I needed to learn to be able to listen and hear the Holy Ghost, even in times of chaos, noise, frustration and overwhelm. I needed to be more humble and more loving.
(for those of you who are unfamiliar with the term “Holy Ghost”, try using the word “Intuition” instead).
To top it off the scripture continued, “and then showing forth afterwards an increase in love.” Are you kidding me. “Just be kind and nice and let her do what she wants..(<–my old definition) and then show her more love.” How do you discipline with love, and then show MORE love? How was this supposed to work?
I was skeptical, but I had tried everything else I could think of, so I figured I didn’t have anything to lose. So I humbly submitted to trying this out.
The hardest part was focusing on me and not wanting to change her. (Did you notice the scripture said nothing about changing the other person). I didn’t know what it looked like or felt like to ‘listen’ and ‘hear’ the Holy Ghost when I had 4 kids creating messes, running around wildly, and I felt overwhelmed and frustrated. Was that even possible? Show me how?
I had to learn to find stillness in the chaos. I had to relearn how to pray, different than I had ever prayed before. Prayers that focused on asking the right questions, not just pleading for things to stop. I had to learn to be humble and trust that the strange answers I got would work. It took some time to learn these things. I had plenty of fails along the way, but each success was sweeter and I learned how to discipline with love. It has been one of the greatest gifts I could have given myself and my family.
My daughter is almost twelve now, and I am loving the relationship we have together. She is still busy, has great (not so great) ideas. She still creates messes and flits from activity to activity. She still loves to explore her world, different than I would prefer sometimes, but often in ways that teach me so many things. She is a leader and light; a great example to me. I am so excited to see what she does in this world.
And I… I am a happy mom! I am honored and blessed to be her mom and I am so grateful for the lessons she has helped me learn. She gave me the opportunity to learn to discipline with love, along with all the other lessons that came with it. We laugh together, a lot. We love each other so much more.
Now, my little sister calls me, bawling, “I just can’t handle my two year old daughter anymore! What do I do?” I spend time coaching her through her thoughts and beliefs, and walking her through the tools I had to learn, one step at a time. I know this will be a journey worth going on and the outcome is worth the effort! She’s not alone and neither are you! Our challenging children are our greatest teachers. Embrace what they can teach you.
Lots of love,
PS If you are interested in learning the tools I used to Discipline with Love (and still use today), sign up for a FREE 15-minute mini session here.