Freed from my Burden
I spent a good deal of my life, trying to help others be happy… my parents, my husband, my children, etc.
Like it was my responsibility to do this…
Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.
When it didn’t work out the way I hoped, it caused me a great deal of disappointment, frustration, loneliness, and resentment.
What did I do wrong?
When I learned that it was MY job to show up as the kind of person I wanted to be, happy and joyful, and let go of whether or not they received it the way I had expected…
I felt freed from a burden I had been carrying my whole life.
Knowing that I was only accountable for MY end of the relationship allowed me to show up in joyful ways despite what THEIR reactions were.
That doesn’t mean when they responded poorly it didn’t hurt…
But it did mean that I could choose how I wanted to respond to that hurt as well; I wasn’t just stuck in hurt, I could choose love and understanding instead if I wanted to.
I could also manage the hurt in healthy ways instead of becoming angry or resentful.
It was so freeing know that my mental and emotional state was no longer tied to the reactions of others.
–Calling all my “people pleasers,” this new way of thinking is so helpful. It allows you to live in your best self more often. If you want more help with this, message me and we’ll talk.
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Lamenting losing the “control” I thought I had
Some people’s identities and relationships are tied to how well they can control and manipulate others… to get the outcome they want.
And I’m not just talking about narcissistic people… (that’s whole different conversation)
I’m talking about you and me.
I was listening to a coach tell a story of how he was trying to steer the conversation he was having with his wife, to his favor. It was quite funny actually…
Then the spirit whispered, “Do you see how this shows up in your life?”
And I thought about how I also had/have tried to steer many conversations with my husband, in my favor.
Examples of words filled with honey, forming nice phrases that sounded perfectly loving came to mind and in a moment the Lord showed me I had been trying to manipulate the outcome on my husband’s end in many of our conversations.
I broke into tears, heartbroken that I had been doing this and didn’t realize it. I love him so much more than that.
I wondered why? Why had I created this pattern of thinking?
The reason became clear… because I wanted/needed a deeper more emotional connection with him and he wasn’t comfortable being in that deeper, emotional state. Now, I’m not pointing fingers, like, “you need to change dear,” it was just the reality of our situation.
And my honeyed manipulation wasn’t creating a safe environment for these deeper conversations either. I had to change my half of the relationship cycle, to create a safer environment for those deeper conversations and wait patiently for him to open up at his pace (not mine).
Disclaimer: my husband is a trouper! I am a deeply emotional thinker and feeler, and very few people like to go that deep. That he is willing to traverse it with me in the first place is quite amazing!
When my husband came home I apologized over and over for manipulating our conversations, especially when I was upset.
He was quite confused by the whole ordeal to be honest and had no idea what I was talking about.
We sat and talked, and I revealed what I had just learned about myself, how sorry I was, and that I would try not to do it again – but in all honesty I would probably do it again as I learned to reprogram my brain to a different way of thinking in those situations.
He laughed, knowing it was probably true, but was willing to forgive as much as it took – and knowing I was working on it.
As we talked, he also discovered how he did the same thing, in different ways to me. LOL
Over the weeks, as we practiced — I remember times when I REALLY wanted to have a manipulative conversation, because I “thought” I’d like the end result better… but knew that was not how I wanted to show up as his wife.
I lamented losing what I “thought” was controlling HIS end of the conversation.
Over time and with practice our conversations have changed.
Now, we navigate the relationship cycle with more humility and love much more than manipulation.
–Can you relate to this story? Do you need/want help navigating your thinking, from old patterns to a new patterns. I can help! I’ve been there many times… message and me and we’ll talk.
