I have two children who are quite opposite personalities and energies of each other. My daughter is a Type 1 and my son is Type 4 (in Carol Tuttle’s type talk). For those of you who don’t know what this means, I’ll explain briefly.
A type 1 energy child, is random, sporadic, bouncy, light, changes ideas frequently, etc.
A type 4 energy child, is straight forward, black and white (right/wrong), trying to get from point A to B as efficiently as possible, no deviations.
OPPOSITES!!
One day they were in the backyard playing a make-believe game. They were having a great time UNTIL my random daughter decided to change the rules for fun. This upset my straight forward, no deviations son. His feelings were hurt because she changed the rules and he began to cry. She didn’t see why he was crying and tried to help him feel better, but it didn’t go so well.
We called them into the house and listened carefully to both sides of their story.
I looked at my husband and said, “Who’s right and who’s wrong here?”
The answer: they were both right-according to their beliefs. Hum…now I was left with the task of helping them see each other’s point of view (not to make them change who they were, but to help them understand why the other person was upset).
My husband took our son and threw rocks into the mountainside to blow of the frustration. Then explained that my daughter wasn’t trying to hurt his feelings, she was just being her. That doesn’t mean her way was right or wrong, it was just her way of doing life and it didn’t mean anything about him. My husband also explained that he understood why my son was upset and that is was okay to be upset. My son felt validated and had a better understanding of why his sister changes the game over and over when they play.
I took my daughter and helped her understand that her ‘changing the game in the middle’ is hard on her brother. I helped her understand that he feels better when he finishes a game before you start another one. I also helped her understand that her way of doing things isn’t bad or wrong and that we love her for her randomness. Then we came up with some ways she could still honor her randomness, but also make the transition easier for her brother.
When they got back together, they both apologized for their reactions and gave each other a hug that said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand, but I understand you better now.” In no time, they were playing again in the backyard.
Yes, my daughter still changes the game in the middle all the time, but she tries to help her brother transition into it better. Sometimes she puts a neat end to the game for him so he can switch easier.
Yes, my son still is annoyed with his sister’s randomness, but he tries to be understanding and forgive her. He tries to remember, that’s just how his sister is and it doesn’t mean anything about him. Often, he takes a five-minute break before he goes back to playing to help himself.
Sometimes, it doesn’t work out at all! And they get upset with each other.
I have learned a lot by watching the way my children interact with each other and asking them questions. It has helped me be a more understanding parent, and show up being the parent they need me to be, while still honoring who I am. Sometimes we don’t see things the same way- it’s okay. I love them anyway.
Listening more, and withholding judgment, in favor of gaining a better understanding has been a huge key to being a successful parent. I’m certainly not perfect, and neither are my children, but we just keep trying. As they get older, their views change and their needs change. They forget that the world doesn’t see things the way they do all the time, and we have to reteach these things to them.
We encourage them to be who they are, full out, but to also be considerate of others they are with, out of love and kindness, not obligation. We try to teach them that they are perfect just as they are and we love every part of who they are. They don’t have to please others, but kindness can go a long way if they choose it.
Every day is an adventure in understanding myself, my husband and my five children. Understanding doesn’t mean that I agree with them or what they are doing, it just means that I get it and I love them anyway.
Sending you love in your parenting adventures,
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