The Control Illusion
Control is an illusion… we try to control life because we THINK it will keep us safe from hurt, but it doesn’t.
Control illusion can go two different ways.
- You feel responsible or in control of everything in your and other people’s life.
The idea that it is YOUR job to make your children, teenager, or husband happy is false!
It is your responsibility to act in a loving and kind manner, however, it is THEIR responsibility to choose if that will make them happy.
This is freeing, in that, if you show up loving and kind, you have done your part to create a happy home. Good job for you!
If they respond with gratitude, you feel validated in our efforts.
If they respond unkindly, you can choose to feel resentful, or hurt – that is also okay, because that is part of the human experience.
- You place control of your behaviors in someone else’s hands.
“They made me do it!” or “It’s their fault I…” is also false!
When we do this, we give other people permission to decide our thoughts and emotions…we give up our choice.
You can easily be manipulated if you believe this.
The best solution I have found for both of these is to remember…
It is my responsibility to manage my thoughts in EVERY circumstance. That doesn’t mean I will do it perfectly all the time (in fact, that is also a false ideal)… but I can practice at it.
I witness, that practicing this idea over time, has helped me become much more emotionally resilient and I don’t get caught up in the drama this life offers us in giant scoops.
I have the power to objectively question, ponder, and pray about things…
I can be happy I am doing my part to build Zion, even if others are not, or don’t know how… it’s okay!
I can choose peace, joy, and love – no matter the political or economic climate.
Fairness is Misunderstood
Fairness is measuring every behavior and situation ONE person’s view of how they wish things to be…
Yet finding that other people do not assign the same value of fairness to the event, causes us to be resentful.
See we don’t all agree on what is fair and what is not…
Why, because we have been given the gift of CHOICE.
What if I don’t want what you want? What if I want something different?
Then how can you make what you want, and want fair?
Fairness only exists if you agree on the same parameters, and in that case, you likely get along with those people just fine.
However, fairness is rarely absolute and is often self-serving.
For example, you expect your husband to come home and help with the chores immediately. It’s only fair, because you’ve been at work just like he has and you should do them together…
However, you husband arrives exhausted and would like to relax and unwind for an hour. It’s only fair, because he had a long day, and he’d like to give you his full attention later.
Both good outcomes, but different.
The only fair thing is, that God created us all to THINK, FEEL, and ACT for ourselves and in any circumstance (whether we like it or not) and choose our desired state of being in that circumstance.
SHOULD statements
…are beliefs you have that can NOT be any other way.
It’s your way, or it’s not right.
And if it’s not right, someone needs to be punished.
It can be as simple as, “I shoudn’t have messed up like that,” which you might think is motivating, but really it causes you to feel guilty, let down or frustrated… I’m sure you feel motivated to not mess up again –right? (wink)
I can also project onto others, for example: “People should be on time always, “ no excuse is good enough. Causing you to misjudge others, because you do not know each person’s individual circumstances.
Another one I hear often is, “They should know better!”
Really? They should? They remember everything perfectly, just like you, and after being told 3 times, they should “know better?”
I don’t know about you, but I have a house full of teenagers now, and they SHOULD know not to take food out of the kitchen – but they do, all the time! They know it and they CHOOSE to do it anyway…
So how does me thinking, “they should know better,” help me not be resentful and make them choose what I want them to? It doesn’t! I just frustrates me.
So, now I think, “of course they ignored the rule and this is the consequence,” they choose it; and I love them anyway! Even if they don’t like the consequence, I can still be happy and a good mom.
Watch out for the word “should,” and question if it is really true? Look at all the contributing factors. Ask yourself if you would respond perfectly to the matter…
Make a statement of fact instead, and then choose how you want to think, feel, and act.
Expecting other’s to Change
…leaves you at the mercy of other people, and gives up your power to choose your emotion despite the circumstance.
In other words, if you’re feeling of safety or happiness depends on whether or not everyone does what you think is right and agrees with you…
You are never going to find safe or happy…
Because you will never get everyone to agree with you completely.
Expecting others to change, so you can feel better, gives up YOUR power.
YOUR power to choose to feel safe or happy, simple because you are.
“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he” Proverbs 23:7
If you feel safe first, then you will take whatever precautions you need to take to feel safe – no matter what anyone else is doing. You aren’t likely to purposefully put yourself in certain situations where it would be unsafe; and you can CHOOSE to trust that the Lord will help in the areas you don’t have control over – that’s His job.
If you feel happy first, you will create an environment where you can share joy, love and peace. And even if others choose not to be happy, you can still be happy anyway.
Stop waiting for other’s to change, to agree with you, to do what you would do, or finally think the way you do… so that you can feel safe or be happy.
Choose to feel safe and happy first, and you will create the environment to match it.
–If you’d like help learning to do this, message me. I’ve got some great tools to help you!